silversword’s blog

Home sweet home!! I missed my house so much!!

So much to do, so little time!! So much homework, so much revising that has to be done!! I... want... time!

But you know, i kinda like this busy atmosphere i've been in these past 6 months. I mean, it's tough, having 3 quizzes everyday, 2 tests per week, not including the subjects (which my brain seems to take forever to absorb even when i concentrate during lecture), not getting enough sleep.

But i think i'm used to all of that. I mean, i should be, by now. And honestly, i love being an RPKJ student. Even when sensei says 'best kan jadi pelajar rpkj?' in a somehow sarcastic tone, like after giving us this mountain of homework,  i'll reply 'ha'a, best sangat-sangat, sensei' also in a somehow sarcastic tone, i honestly do mean it. I like having the gears in my brain always moving. Having a clear goal of what to do, where to go. Having things to do. I never want to go back to the state i was when i was waiting for spm results...

I've never been to boarding school, so i was worried about living in college, (really) far away from home, no mama's cooking, no chatting online, no blogging, no TV, no CSI! and classes from morning to evening.. at first i thought there was no way i was gonna survive that. But now that i'm used to life in college, i like it here. I feel more independent than i was before and i like that feeling, making decisions on my own, thinking what's good for me. I think what i really like is setting that schedule in my head. Well, there's really not that much to set, most of my day is already set. And usually i don't follow the schedule i set anyway. But anyway i like making those little decisions and making myself stick to em. And being confident that that decision i made was not affected by anyone except my own feeling, and i'll face the consequences on my own later. Though when i go shopping my friends do affect my decisions, hehe.

And another thing about college ... being surrounded by friends 24/7. Going out on weekends without parents or parents' cash (and buying whatever i want), staying up late doing homework, just popping into other people's room to do whatever you like, like lie on their bed or eat their food XD (makan bila di-offer laa) Maybe to some people all these things are nothing special, but i've never done any of these things before so i'm quite thankful that i finally know how it's like. Ah, things like these are the hardest to describe.

Well, as for final-sem-exam, i screwed up maths real bad. And i remember senpai saying '...yang penting maths kena power, ah' No...! Huhuhu ... But i used to really love maths why do i suck at it so much now... it's so hard! Actually i know i just need a bit more practice and i'll finally get to stick those darn formulas in my head. Well, whatever happens happens. I'm ready, cause it's my own fault after all. I didn't balance the subjects properly and paid more attention to physics (a lot more attention). And ended up only having a hold of about 20% of maths... ish3

Not looking forward to getting my final-sem-exam results but looking forward to starting sem 2! How's it gonna be like? Studying maths, chem and physics in japanese. How much pressure will i experience, how exhausted will i feel? Really having no choice but to speak in japanese, hehe. Gotta sharpen my speaking skills. Gotta start speaking first, haih. Where can i find that confidence to speak... ?

First, Alhamdulillah

A person from JPA just called me.

And she said i got it.

Biasiswa JPA  for kejuruteraan Jepun.

I got the scholarship. I got it. I really got it. I got it.

......
     
      
     
    

I so so cannot believe this that i'm crying !! 

She called and said 'untuk permohonan jpa adik yang untuk, kejuruteraan Jepun tu, berjaya' and i kept asking her 'ha? yang jpa ... biasiswa ... berjaya?' lol, i couldn't make complete sentences. And i think i asked her twice XD

Alhamdulillah, thank you so much God for giving me this. I won't let anyone down!!

Oh, gotta go pack! I gotta be at Ambang Asuhan Jepun, UM on the 21st. Gotta go pack!!

Hm.. i don't wanna go on and on about how awful it went. I'll just say ... i didn't come out of the interview room smiling. I felt like strangling the debater who was in my group who basically hogged all the points and made my confidence drop to like negative something. But i think i wanted to strangle myself more. I was just so mad at myself after the interview.
Why did i let him get to me? i mean, so what if he's peringkat daerah debator and i haven't actually talked to anyone in 3 months? Why didn't i think harder and try and repeat his points but tweak them a little? Why did i let myself think i was gonna fail even before the interview was over? Why didn't i talk more? Why didn't i read aloud when i had the chance, to improve my pronounciation? Why did i let myself turn into a total introvert during the holidays? Why did i stalk this new band i love by spending hours pic, video and mp3 hunting instead of reading important stuff? Why didn't i read all those online newspapers and blogs earlier? Why was i so ignorant and only started rushing to ambik tahu about stuff going on in my own country only when i was going to the interview? How could i possibly think i was gonna ace this interview when i was so clear that i didn't prepare enough? I mean, why did i let myself to think that, just to increase my confidence, when the fact is i know the worst is just gonna happen?

All these questions just flooded my mind after the interview. And i really felt like the word "FAIL" was stamped on my forehead. Agh! the paaaainnnn!!

But, i'll definitely learn from this. I'll pay attention more and talk more even if there's no one to talk to. I'll visit recom.org more and read up on all those curent issues and the discussions and get an opinion of my own. I'll read more of those interesting blogs, which are quite funny. I visited this one blog and actually fell for  the blogger's april fool prank! He  posted that he was gonna quit blogging forever, stated all his reasons and i was all 'No!! your blog is so interesting!  Most of your posts make me laugh. Aw.. don't quit ... !"  Eventhough he hinted at the end of the post saying 'Wait, what's today's date again?' I didn't realize at all until he revealed the truth in the next post. Yaargh. I totally lol-ed after that.

And, i guess, if i don't get Kejuruteraan Jepun under the jpa scholarship, i'm sure i have something else in store for me. I'll continue learning japanese on my own just because it's fun and i love 'sorta understanding' when watching unsubbed animes on animax. And i won't stop praying. If i get it, i get it and be thankful to God. If not, i'll be thankful to God because there must be hikmah behind all of it. It's not the end of the world. Nyeh, this awful experience taught me a lot.

Okaaay. I guess i shouldn't leave this part out. Actually before the interview, i had fun making friends. Some of the names i remember are Darren (from Sandakan, friendly, first person i spoke to, currently in private college), Victoria (Was in top 3 of her school, already in private college), Ratna (also applied for japan engineering), Chua (also already in private college), Anderson (who flew all the way from KL. He's in Taylor's college, already under a scholarship, but he still wants jpa scholarship), and this guy (can't remember his name) from plkn. He's actually from Kluang but he was sent to Sabah for plkn. He applied for pharmacy. Turned out I was in one group with plkn guy, Victoria and 4 other guys i didn't get to speak to first because they sat at another table. The topic was 'what does a healthy lifestyle mean to you, and suggest ways to live a healthy lifestyle as a student studying overseas' Kacang, right? I thought so too. But when the debator, i think his name was Hakim, volunteered to speak first, he went on and on and on and said all the points. Then when the interviewer asked who wanted to speak next, i volunteered thinking it would make me look brave or sumthin. Then when i looked at the notes i had, turns out most of them had already been said by Hakim. Then i blanked and said the 2 points he haven't said and ended it with a very unneat "....that's all, thank you". I was trembling and it was sooo cold in the room! Aih, i guess i shouldn't have volunteered to speak second. After the interview he was all "that was such a fun interview!" and i thought "Yeah, for you. stfu already!! I can't stand you!"  Haha ... now i'm not that angsty anymore laa.

Okey, I haven't had any public entries for a while now. I can't really say i haven't been blogging because actually these past few days i did type some stuff but saved it as private because they were just emotional stuff that i wanted to get out of my system but want to keep secret. But now i feel like blogging and rambling and going typedy-type-type again about what's going on with me at the moment. Though maybe not so frequent.

Since ... i think mid last year i felt like blogging wasn't as fun as it used to be and i'm not as excited as i was when i used to blog at friendster (most of my entries there were pretty spontaneous, happy-happy joy-joy and i used to blog everyday, kan?). But then i started feeling like blogging is so hard. I can't get the right words or think of anything good to type about. When i typed i couldn't get the feeling quite right. Then i just ended up typing super-long entries that felt dead, made no sense and had grammar mistakes all over them (argh! no! my English has corroded...) So i just stopped altogether and decided to continue later when there's really something i can blog about and not get all uneasy about it.

But now i think i'll stop thinking so much and type whenever i feel like it. 

I'm home alone and have been home alone since last month. Agh, it sucks not having my sis around. I miss her nagging and her cooking (especially her super delicious lasagna..! ). Yeah, so when we Skype she nags me, but it's different from being nagged face to face, ya know. She's at auckland taking pics with sheep and singing 'the hills are alive with the sound of music ~!!' The view there is really pretty, no lalang anywhere. And she likes taking walks and going shopping (she said the shirts there are cheap)

While i'm here at home alone. My parents go to work early in the morning and i usually go back to sleep after that. Yeah, i shouldn't go back to sleep after subuh but i can't help it. And my eyebags are huge. Then even when my parents come home my mouth suddenly feels so heavy and i just want to keep quiet, do all my chores like making tea, do the dishes then i just want to go to my room or watch tv quietly or something that doesn't require talking. I'm not avoiding them or anything. I know they're not in the chatty mood either, when they come home from work. But I know i really should talk more because i'm starting to become really quiet even my cousin said ' asal diam je hari ni?' When she met me. 

Gotta talk more, even if i have to talk to myself and start getting good info into my brain. Or else i'll totally become a quiet boring zombie forever. I gotta start using my brain and not let it turn into mush. I remember the saying 'The brain is like a muscle, use it or lose it' (did i get that right?) No... i don't wanna lose my brain!! I gotta get a hobby and distract myself cause i realized that only when i'm bored i feel that i'm hopeless or doomed or dull or hollow.

Ok, i'll go start right after a short nap. ngantuk gilak oh ...